Characteristics and Personalities of Adults Who Grew Up with Alcoholism in the Home

Children who grew up in an addictive  home develop similar personality traits and characteristics. Dr. Janet Woititz published her national bestselling book, Adult Children of Alcoholics in 1983.  In it she outlined 13 characteristics of adult children of alcoholics but also applied these same characteristics to those who grew up in households where other compulsive behaviours are present such as gambling, drug abuse or overeating.  Adult children who experienced chronic illness, strict religious attitudes, foster care and other dysfunctions, also identified with the characteristics, Woititz says.

Characteristics and Personality Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic:

Fear of losing control.

Adult children of alcoholics maintain control over their behaviour and feelings.  They also try to control the behaviour and feelings of others. They do this because they are afraid not because they want to hurt themselves or others.  They fear that if they relinquish control their lives will get worse, and they can become very anxious when they are not able to control a situation.

Fear of Emotions or Feelings

Adult children of alcoholics tend to bury their feelings (particularly anger and sadness) since childhood and are not able to feel or express emotions easily. Ultimately they fear all powerful emotions and even fear positive emotions like fun and joy.

Avoid conflict

Adult children of alcoholics have a fear of people who are in authority, people who are angry, and do not take personal criticism very well.  Often they misinterpret assertiveness for anger. Therefore, they are constantly seeking approval of others whilst losing their identities in the process.  Frequently they isolate themselves.

A high burden of responsibility and constant approval seeking

Adult children of alcoholics are oversensitive to the needs of others. Their self-esteem comes from others’ judgments of them, thus having the compulsive need to be perfectionists and be accepted.

An inability to relax and have fun.

Adult children of alcoholics cannot have fun because it is stressful, especially when others are watching. The child inside is frightened, and in an effort to appear perfect, exercises strict self-control.

Harsh self-criticism and low self esteem

Adult children of alcoholics are weighed down with a very low sense of self-esteem and respect, no matter how competent they may be.

Denial

Whenever adult children of alcoholics feel threatened, they tend to deny that which provoke their fears.

Difficulties with intimacy

Adult children of alcoholics fear intimacy because it makes them feel that they lost control.  They have difficulties expressing their needs and consequently have problems with their sexuality, and repeat relationship patterns.

Develop a victim mentality

Adult children of alcoholics may either be passive or aggressive victims, and are often attracted to others like them whether in friendships, career and love relationships.

Adopting compulsive behaviour

Adult children of alcoholics may eat compulsively or become workaholics.  They may become addicted and co-dependent in a relationship, or behave compulsively in other ways. Sadly, they may abuse alcohol and become alcoholics like their parent(s).

More comfortable living in chaos or drama than in peace

Adult children of alcoholics become addicted to chaos and drama, which gives them their adrenaline fix and feelings of power and control.

The tendency to confuse love with pity.

Adult children of alcoholics are often in relationships with people they can rescue.

Abandonment issues

Adult children of alcoholics will do anything to save a relationship, rather than face the pain of abandonment even if the relationship is unhealthy.

Tendency to see everything and everyone in extremes, when under pressure

Physical illness

Adult children of alcoholics are highly susceptible to stress-related illnesses.

Suffering from an accumulation of grief.

Adult children of alcoholics are frequently depressed. Losses experienced during their childhood were often never grieved for because the alcoholic family doesn’t tolerate intense uncomfortable feelings.

Overreaction to outside changes

Adult children of alcoholics remain hyper vigilant, constantly scanning their surroundings for potential catastrophes.

Adult Children of Alcoholics Attracted to Compulsive Personalities

Many lose themselves in their relationship with others and sometimes find themselves attracted to alcoholics or other compulsive personalities - such as workaholics.  They are generally attracted to those who are emotionally unavailable.

Adult children sometimes like to be the “rescuer” and will form relationships with others who need their help, to the extent of neglecting their own needs. What happens is that they place the focus on the needs of someone else whilst not having to examine their own difficulties and shortcomings.

Often, these adult children will acquire the characteristics of alcoholics, even if they never drink themselves.  They can be in denial, develop poor coping strategies, have an inability to problem solve and form dysfunctional relationships.

Adult Children of Alcoholics and Help

Many adult children who grew up in a dysfunctional home have been deeply affected by their experiences and often seek counselling and professional treatment to help resolve these issues.

What is an ACoA? /Dr Tian Dayton

In 1980, when the term adult child of alcoholic, ACOA was coined, ACOAs literally came out of the woodwork, testifying in droves to confusion, resentment and hurt that the child within them still hung onto. They reported feeling, at times, like "children walking around in the bodies of grown ups". Both scared and relieved they were admitting how much, after all these years, they still felt haunted by issues from their past. By growing up in families where alcohol had turned the homes they cherished into scary places and the parents they loved into scary people. The tears flowed as they realized that they weren't the only ones who avoided bringing friends home, hid when their parent was drunk and envied classmates with "normal" families. 

A movement was born. Not a political movement but a movement based on a need to reveal and a desire to heal.

As these "inner children" began to open up, they found they weren't alone in having frozen and "forgotten" parts of themselves that they didn't know what to do with. These hidden "parts" not surprisingly, were becoming triggered when, as adults, they began having families of their own. Sitting in their own living rooms, with their own spouses and children, they felt disturbed by scenes from yesteryear. All over again, they found themselves smack in the middle of the very situation that had traumatized them to begin with. Namely, a family. 

Why is having a Family Like a Car Backfiring for the ACOA?

The natural feelings of intense closeness and dependency, that are a part of living in a family, can become potential triggers for the ACOA. In just the same way as a soldier with post traumatic stress disorder PTSD "hits the dirt" when he hears a car backfire because his unconscious reads it as gunfire, an ACOA "hits the dirt" emotionally when he fears a repeated rupture to his sense of self or the family he needs and loves. 

This is why the ACOA syndrome is a post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD. Long after the "stressor" is removed, the ACOA lives as if it is still present. Long after they have left home, gotten jobs, married and had children, their unresolved pain from childhood still lives inside of them, waiting to be triggered to the surface through events that mirror the situations that hurt them to begin with. Like, for example, their own family relationships. Beneath the level of their awareness, ACOAs get scared all over again. Their natural neediness makes them feel vulnerable, they wait for the proverbial roof to cave in the way that it did when they were kids, for life and love to hurt and betray them all over again. Ghosts from their past dance around their present. Unconsciously they see chaos, humiliating scenes and out-of-control behavior lurking just around the corner, that mocks and mimics their early childhood experience. In fact, they may be so convinced that distress is looming, that they may actually feel mistrustful and suspicions, if problems are solved too smoothly. They may even push a situation in a sort of convoluted attempt at self protection, trying to ferret out potential danger until, through their relentless efforts to avoid it, they actually create it. And so the pattern of emotional closeness and dependence leading to chaos, rage and tears is once again reinforced and passed along. 

The Brain in a State of Fear:

Our thinking brain shuts down when we're very scared, but our feeling brain keeps going and absorbing what's around us. The cortex, which is where we think about what we're feeling and make sense of it, shuts down when we're in a state of terror. When we're really scared our limbic system takes over and we go into fight/flight. Nature doesn't want us thinking about running for safety when confronted with a charging, wild boar, it wants us simply to run.

But for a child, a drunk and raging or neglectful parent, is just as terrifying as a saber toothed tiger and can throw them into a state of extreme stress.They freeze in fear, like a deer in the headlights, they get caught in a "startle response". Following that is the attempt to fight or flee. If escape is possible, the experience of the near-trauma will be temporarily stressful, but the person is unlikely to develop full-blown post-traumatic stress disorder PTSD. If, however, the intention to flee is thwarted, the result is a "freeze" response. What is a child supposed to do? if they fight, they will eventually lose, the parent, after all, has the keys to the front door. And if they flee, where will they go?

For children who grew up in addicted homes there may have been no where to run. So all of those fear laden memories may well have remained unconscious and unprocessed because the adults who they would normally have gone to for comfort and to help them understand what was scaring them, were unavailable. And to make matters even worse, it may have been the adults themselves causing the fear and stress. For the child living with addiction, the COA, this becomes a double whammy. Not only are they being hurt and terrified but the adult, who they would normally go to for comfort and to make sense of the situation, is the one causing the pain to begin with or even blaming it on them. There is, in other words, no escape.This child is at a higher risk for developing PTSD.

The ACOA: How Childhood Pain Gets Played Out in Adult Relationships

When children are unable to make sense of frightening childhood experiences those experiences do not necessarily disappear. Rather the images, impressions and feelings that surround them can remain locked within their unconscious waiting to be triggered to the surface. Unfortunately, when they do surface they often get projected onto the situation that triggered them, with little or no awareness of their deeper origins.They may see the circumstance of today, as the sole cause of their intense emotional reactions and be entirely unaware that pain from their past may be driving an over-reaction in their present.. Needless to say, this can make adult intimacy feel confusing and unmanageable because the past becomes mixed up with the present and problems become bigger and more complicated than necessary.This is why I call what I work with relationship trauma, because childhood relationship trauma is getting triggered and played out in adult relationships.

But their is a solution. And it is likely in your neighborhood. The good news is that relationship trauma is very treatable. And treatment itself becomes a journey of personal growth and a deepening of self awareness.A good place to start is a twelve step room like alanon or an ACOA meeting. 

Eight most Common Characteristics of a Dysfunctional Family

Far from the idyllic families that were portrayed on radio and television fifty years ago, families that are depicted in media nowadays are more realistic, in the sense that they often exhibit characteristics of dysfunction. While the term "dysfunctional family" is thrown around somewhat carelessly nowadays, there are certain hallmark characteristics of dysfunctional families that are common. Does a family that has one of these characteristics automatically qualify as "dysfunctional"? Of course, it depends on the severity of the problem and the way in which it cascades to cause other problems. Here is a list of some of the most common qualities of a dysfunctional family.

Dysfunctional Family Characteristic #1 - Addiction

One of the most prominent characteristics of a dysfunctional family is addiction on the part of one or more of its members. This addiction need not be to drugs or alcohol, but it typically manifests itself by making it difficult for family members to communicate, and may affect the family financially. Typically addiction is a problem suffered by the adults in the family, though adult children and teenagers may suffer from addictions in various forms.

Dysfunctional Family Characteristic #2 - Control

Another hallmark characteristic of dysfunctional families is control. Control means that one member of the family exerts his or her will on some or all of the other family members. This may manifest itself, for example, as a husband not permitting his wife to see male friends, or as a parent not allowing their child to go to reasonable school events, such as football games and dances. Control usually occurs from spouse to spouse or from parent to child in a dysfunctional family. This control usually results in emotional "stunting" and may make people feel as if they are not entitled to an opinion or to a life of their own. Control may be overt, or it may be in the form of causing people to feel guilty for wanting to "step outside the box."

Dysfunctional Family Characteristic #3 - Unpredictability and Fear

Unpredictability and fear are two common signs of a dysfunctional family. Typically, fear results from the unpredictability of a single or multiple members. This may be unpredictability with regard to financial matters, emotional state, or reactions to novel situations. This affects a family by making its members fearful of the actions of a single or multiple members. Typically an adult plays this role, and may be a spouse or parent.

Dysfunctional Family Characteristic #4 - Conflict

A more obvious indicator of a dysfunctional family is conflict. While a certain amount of conflict is expected in a normal family, constant, heated conflict is not. If a serious argument erupts over slight misunderstandings on a frequent and unyielding basis, there is a good chance that there is a certain level of dysfunction within the family. Likewise, undertones of conflict and resentment can also be an indicator of a dysfunctional family. The conflict may also take place in passive-aggressive terms. Conflict may occur between any member of a family, and affects the family by increasing tension and resentment among its members.

Dysfunctional Family Characteristic #5 - Abuse

Abuse, whether physical or emotional, is another characteristic of a dysfunctional family. The way in which abuse affects a family is obvious, as it punishes and diminishes a single or multiple family members. Abuse typically occurs from one spouse to the other, or from a parent to a child. Sometimes children also abuse each other, whether through physical or emotional means.

Dysfunctional Family Characteristic #6 - Perfectionism

Although it may not seem to be a characteristic of a dysfunctional family, perfectionism very much is one. Perfectionism can be a reflection of unrealistic expectations towards other family members, and may also be an indicator of the areas in which the perfectionist family member feels that he or she is inadequate. Perfectionism may result in low self-esteem in other family members, and may be self-perpetuating. Typically, perfectionism occurs in parents towards their offspring.

Dysfunctional Family Characteristic #7 - Poor Communication

Poor communication is another hallmark of a dysfunctional family. Communication may be strained, ineffective, or nonexistent. Family members may have difficulty communicating their wants and needs to other members, which can result in misunderstandings and little self-expression. Poor communication often occurs throughout the entire dysfunctional family.

Dysfunctional Family Characteristic #8 - Lack of Diversity

A lack of diversity in a family is a sign that a family may be dysfunctional. Diversity, in this instance, refers primarily to differences in interests and beliefs between family members. If all of the family members share the same interests and beliefs, there is a high probability that one member of the family is acting to control and manipulate the others. An example of this would be several children from a family that all have the same interests and aspirations as one of their parents. A lack of diversity usually occurs in families where there are children, though some people may be emotionally quashed in romantic relationships to the point where they adopt all of the interests of their partner.

What Makes Us Tick

We hear a lot about dysfunction and how experiences from our childhoods 
can influence our lives well into adulthood. I think this is true on both
 the positive and negative sides. People who grew up in healthy, 
loving families tend to continue that pattern into their own families as adults, because its what they know, and it comes naturally. People on the other side of that coin carry their childhood patterns into adulthood, as well, but often with very different results.

Adult children with dysfunctional parental examples  can wrestle with a lifetime habit of making sure they don't make anything worse. They may become people-pleasers in an effort to protect themselves, and often end up losing their own identities, because standing up for themselves is unimaginable. They can have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, often confuse love with pity, and they tend to be compelled to love people they feel they can rescue. They may desperately fear abandonment, and yet are drawn to relationships that promise nothing more, simply because it is familiar and therefore comfortable. Some will do almost anything to hold onto an unhealthy and chaotic relationship, and often become alcoholics themselves, or they end up marrying one. So strong is the need to feel abandoned, they sometimes choose partners who may not be alcoholics but have other compulsive behaviors.

Now you're probably wondering why people would purposely seek out the very thing they fear the most. It is a very perplexing question indeed. 

Simply put, I think people tend to gravitate toward people and situations they already know how to handle. Granted, these are certainly not pleasant, but familiarity goes a long way. Some victims of domestic violence seem to be drawn to familiar and yet devastating scenarios as well. Nobody enjoys getting beat up, emotionally or physically, but the fear of the unfamiliar is much stronger, and therefore has a paralytic power. I doubt any of us consciously thinks about these choices as we make them.

Some of us walk through an entire lifetime of inexplicable behaviors and reactions that make no sense to us at all, and it may not become clear to us why we continue these unhealthy and bizarre patterns until we stumble upon the answers on a website or in a book. There are roads that lead away from the chaos and self-destruction; we simply need to find them and muster the courage to venture into the unknown in order to have a chance at living a free and happy life. 

When people say its important to "break the cycle," they are talking about a very real phenomenon. The cycle of abuse is one we get caught up in without realizing it, and its one we perpetuate unless we become aware of its existence. 

If you are an adult child of an alcoholic, there are resources available online to help you:

Visit Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization and find a meeting near you. This website is full of great information and resources to help you get started.

Stepchat is an online meeting place that does a good job of trying to replicate the face-to-face meeting environment, and is a good alternative if you can't find a local meeting, or if you're not yet comfortable with the idea of sitting in a room with a bunch of strangers and baring your soul.

No matter which option you choose, make sure you choose to do something. Finding people who share your story, or variations thereof, is a liberating, healthy and positive way to move toward the life you have always wanted to live. Step one is overcoming the guilt you feel for even considering the idea of doing something great just for you.

Am I?...or .. Am I Not?

The following questions will help you decide if alcoholism or other family dysfunction existed in your family. If your parents did not drink, your grandparents may have drank and passed on the disease of family dysfunction to your parents. If alcohol or drugs were not a problem, your home may have been chaotic, unsafe, and lacking nurture like many alcoholic homes.

The following questions offer an insight into some ways children are affected by growing up with a problem drinker even years after leaving the home. The questions also apply to adults growing up in homes where food, sex, workaholism, or ultra-religious abuse incest victim, , occurred. Foster children, now adults, relate to many of these questions.

1. Do you recall anyone drinking or taking drugs or being involved in some other behavior that you now believe could be dysfunctional?

2. Did you avoid bringing friends to your home because of drinking or some other dysfunctional behavior in the home?

3. Did one of your parents make excuses for the other parent’s drinking or other behaviors?

4. Did your parents focus on each other so much that they seemed to ignore you?

5. Did your parents or relatives argue constantly?

6. Were you drawn into arguments or disagreements and asked to choose sides with one parent or relative against another?

7. Did you try to protect your brothers or sisters against drinking or other behavior in the family?

“8. As an adult, do you feel immature? Do you feel like you are a child inside?

9. As an adult, do you believe you are treated like a child when you interact with your parents? Are you continuing to live out a childhood role with the parents?

10. Do you believe that it is your responsibility to take care of your parents’ feelings or worries? Do other relatives look to you to solve their problems?

11. Do you fear authority figures and angry people?

12. Do you constantly seek approval or praise but have difficulty accepting a compliment when one comes your way?

13. Do you see most forms of criticism as a personal attack?

14. Do you over commit yourself and then feel angry when others do not appreciate what you do?

“15. Do you think you are responsible for the way another person feels or behaves?

16. Do you have difficulty identifying feelings?

17. Do you focus outside yourself for love or security?

18. Do you involve yourself in the problems of others? Do you feel more alive when there is a crisis?

19. Do you equate sex with intimacy?

20. Do you confuse love and pity?

21. Have you found yourself in a relationship with a compulsive or dangerous person and wonder how you got there?

22. Do you judge yourself without mercy and guess at what is normal?

23. Do you behave one way in public and another way at home?

24. Do you think your parents had a problem with drinking or taking drugs?

25. Do you think you were affected by the drinking or other dysfunctional behavior of your parents or family?”

Excerpt From: ACA WSO INC. “ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS/DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES.” iBooks.