Home has always been an elusive word for me. We moved so often when I was young that I can‟t remember all the places. I went to more than 14 schools in different states before I graduated from High School.
Our addicted family was full of dysfunction. My parents' rage made it hard for them to keep jobs. With daily name-calling, inability to take criticism, and feeling "better than‟ others, my parents' fighting would escalate and we would eventually leave town to start new someplace else. But the trouble always followed us.
I left home at 18 to go to college. How I even had the ambition to do that I'll never know. They didn't even get off the couch to say goodbye to me when I left. In spite of my family (not because of their support, which was non-existent) I became successful. I was driven by a need to survive, and I was addicted to excitement.
I pushed myself at a relentless pace to create a secure place for myself that I never felt in childhood. I continually moved apartments and houses recreating my family drama in my relationships. I didn't fit in. I never felt good enough. I lived my life from the view point of a victim and confused love with pity, picking people I could take care of and control. I judged myself without mercy. I complained continually to friends and was easily brought to anger. People in my life would often disappear. I wore them out.
The excitement of a big city wasn't enough anymore; I was divorced, alone, and still looking for my “home”. It was only inevitable that I became my father in the workplace. Everyone was dumber than me. I couldn't accept reviews of my work, and I felt superior and angry when others received accolades and I didn't. I quit or was fired from several positions.
Our addicted family was full of dysfunction. My parents' rage made it hard for them to keep jobs. With daily name-calling, inability to take criticism, and feeling "better than‟ others, my parents' fighting would escalate and we would eventually leave town to start new someplace else. But the trouble always followed us.
I left home at 18 to go to college. How I even had the ambition to do that I'll never know. They didn't even get off the couch to say goodbye to me when I left. In spite of my family (not because of their support, which was non-existent) I became successful. I was driven by a need to survive, and I was addicted to excitement.
I pushed myself at a relentless pace to create a secure place for myself that I never felt in childhood. I continually moved apartments and houses recreating my family drama in my relationships. I didn't fit in. I never felt good enough. I lived my life from the view point of a victim and confused love with pity, picking people I could take care of and control. I judged myself without mercy. I complained continually to friends and was easily brought to anger. People in my life would often disappear. I wore them out.
The excitement of a big city wasn't enough anymore; I was divorced, alone, and still looking for my “home”. It was only inevitable that I became my father in the workplace. Everyone was dumber than me. I couldn't accept reviews of my work, and I felt superior and angry when others received accolades and I didn't. I quit or was fired from several positions.
Ultimately, my journeys came full circle, and I found myself back in the small town where I started my independent life. How did this happen? I thought that coming home would be different. I thought that I would be a star in this small community. I,however, found the attitudes that were acceptable in a big city were offputting and cocky for a small town. I struggled to fit in. Again.
It was after the second failed job and another bottom that I found ACA. Coming to that first meeting, I was down on my knees begging for something to end the pain of the last 30 years of my life. As we went around the circle I heard people talking, but it could have been my voice. We shared similar yet different childhoods. We all related to the Laundry List.
I'm finally learning that my anger has come from years of unmet needs and was an easy, familiar function. I'm learning how to free myself from shame and blame. My actual parent is my Higher Power.
“Home is not where you live, but where they understand you.”
It took 14 states and more than 20 houses but finally, with ACA, I have found my home. I work the Steps, I work the program, and I won‟t run away from this one.
It was after the second failed job and another bottom that I found ACA. Coming to that first meeting, I was down on my knees begging for something to end the pain of the last 30 years of my life. As we went around the circle I heard people talking, but it could have been my voice. We shared similar yet different childhoods. We all related to the Laundry List.
I'm finally learning that my anger has come from years of unmet needs and was an easy, familiar function. I'm learning how to free myself from shame and blame. My actual parent is my Higher Power.
“Home is not where you live, but where they understand you.”
It took 14 states and more than 20 houses but finally, with ACA, I have found my home. I work the Steps, I work the program, and I won‟t run away from this one.
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