For me, the PTSD effect is sort of like having an air raid siren blowing all the time - long after the war is over.
The dysfunction in my family is very subtle. The adults in my family were all high functioning, pillar of the community, “mother of the year” at church, solid citizen sorts of folks. However, when the lid is lifted on the family secrets, we find a great deal of distortion through perfectionistic, one right way, hypercritical, and self-righteous kinds of thinking. Addictions surrounding compulsive spending and alcohol surfaced in my parents' generation, but later in life too after I was out of the home. Today, the addictions within my self and my three siblings run the gambit of distress that fill the Recovery rooms.
It's taken me a long time to sort out my own struggle. Two sentences in the ACA Twelve Step workbook explained PTSD in a way that made complete sense to me. “Parents who never admit being wrong and who heap heavy doses of perfectionistic language and expectations upon their children create stored trauma without lifting a hand. This type of shaming and abandoning behavior produces the fatigue of spirit that can be misdiagnosed as depression or lethargy". Finally....Clarity.
Simply stated, the brightest and best of who I was as
The dysfunction in my family is very subtle. The adults in my family were all high functioning, pillar of the community, “mother of the year” at church, solid citizen sorts of folks. However, when the lid is lifted on the family secrets, we find a great deal of distortion through perfectionistic, one right way, hypercritical, and self-righteous kinds of thinking. Addictions surrounding compulsive spending and alcohol surfaced in my parents' generation, but later in life too after I was out of the home. Today, the addictions within my self and my three siblings run the gambit of distress that fill the Recovery rooms.
It's taken me a long time to sort out my own struggle. Two sentences in the ACA Twelve Step workbook explained PTSD in a way that made complete sense to me. “Parents who never admit being wrong and who heap heavy doses of perfectionistic language and expectations upon their children create stored trauma without lifting a hand. This type of shaming and abandoning behavior produces the fatigue of spirit that can be misdiagnosed as depression or lethargy". Finally....Clarity.
Simply stated, the brightest and best of who I was as
a child was set aside. I grew up invisible because, from their viewpoint, I was. I learned to remove myself as a target of criticism and perfectionism by learning to “not be myself”. I learned that I was probably not lovable and certainly wasn't smart or capable enough to take care of myself. The confusion of being “never enough”, being left behind emotionally by the rest of my family has led to my own spin on the Laundry List.
Today, the “never enough” message is the key to my PTSD. I've realized that I pick at my self everyday, constantly, over everything I do. The real person that I am is hidden from nearly everybody except for a few in this program. My hypervigilance, resentments, fears and confusion clog my thoughts to the extent that they drown out solutions to my difficulties. I'm learning that I can replace these voices, different at different ages, with routines and caring self support. This has been a very slow process.
I love the Steps, Promises and Affirmations that are guiding me back to the person I was always intended to be. For the most part, my family will never get my picture and this saddens me beyond measure. Having a Higher Power showing me the way out is the true healing force in my life.
Grateful for Recovery in all its many forms.
Today, the “never enough” message is the key to my PTSD. I've realized that I pick at my self everyday, constantly, over everything I do. The real person that I am is hidden from nearly everybody except for a few in this program. My hypervigilance, resentments, fears and confusion clog my thoughts to the extent that they drown out solutions to my difficulties. I'm learning that I can replace these voices, different at different ages, with routines and caring self support. This has been a very slow process.
I love the Steps, Promises and Affirmations that are guiding me back to the person I was always intended to be. For the most part, my family will never get my picture and this saddens me beyond measure. Having a Higher Power showing me the way out is the true healing force in my life.
Grateful for Recovery in all its many forms.
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